The Silent Sufferer-VI



Monster knows I’m no longer in New Jersey, but has no idea where I am. So the phone calls and emails are constant. All of which were threatening. He would call so many times that the voicemail would be full. I purchased a prepaid phone to communicate with family and friends.

I told him he had to move out of the house, because I definitely wasn’t paying the mortgage. He started renting a room at a boarding house; he knew a couple that lived there. He was receiving a little money at the time. We didn’t communicate for a few months, because we would just argue, and I would end up yelling at the top of my lungs, and hang up on him. I know my neighbor downstairs could hear me. I was stressed.

I received a phone call late one night October 2011, informing me that Monster had jumped from a window on the third floor. Police and ambulance was on the scene, and he was being taken to the nearest hospital. A few hours later, I got another call that he was being transported to be admitted to a hospital that deals with trauma patients.

I went to New Jersey to visit him in the hospital. His condition was critical, from his suicide attempt. He was unconscious, in trauma and looking innocent!

Next week>>>>>putting the pieces of a puzzle back together. Pieces meaning bones.

3:44 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014

The Silent Sufferer-V


Upon returning to New Jersey, and powering on my cell phone, It immediately started to ring. Monster was talking sensible, and asking me to come home so we could talk.

My son-in-law told me not to go home; against my better judgment, I decided to return home. We got to the house, and it was a trashed. Dirty dishes were piled in the sink; there was a hole in the bathroom wall. The bedroom curtains were on the floor. It looked like a tornado had demolished the inside of the home.

I told Monster that we would check into a motel for the evening, and come back the next day, and clean. At the motel around midnight he started questioning me about the cruise, and going through my cell. I was exhausted and not in the mood for his innuendos; rather bull-shit. Monster had an evil look in his eyes. It was pure hatred. I was frightened. My intuition warned me to get away from Monster, and not go back!

When he threw my phone at me, I called my daughter at 3:00 am, and told them to come get me. I left the motel with them with an overnight bag.

I went to their house, and the next day he called and was threatening to all of us. That evening he came to the house and demanded that I either come outside, or let him inside so that he could talk to me. My daughter called the police. One officer spoke to him, and the other came inside to talk to me. I told him the history of Monster; he looked at me and said “divorce him”. Monster was ordered to leave the property, which he did. He didn’t want to be incarcerated.

I stayed with my daughter for 2 nights. I called a friend in Delaware and told her about my predicament. She came to pick me up the same day; I left with the clothes on my back, and several toiletries. I stayed with her for 6 weeks, rented a condo in the same development, and have lived here ever since.

Next week>>>Out of state, but the saga continues.

3:02 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014




The Silent Sufferer-IV


When I would get home from work, mentally drained and exhausted, I would drink vodka to numb my brain. This was my way of dealing with the dysfunction in my life behind closed doors. It didn’t help, it only made things worst. Nevertheless, it eased the pain and I could be a little more tolerant. I suppose you could classify me as a functioning alcoholic.

Life with Monster was an endless loop of misery for me. Years flashed before my eyes, and I was still in the same predicament.

By this time Monster had been in and out of rehabilitation facilities several times. He would stay clean, attend meetings, and hold down a job for at least 6 months, and relapse.

I would take vacation and escape to the Caribbean, once a year with a female co-worker.

Monster never had an issue with me travelling without him. This left him to do as he pleased; which he did anyway, but he didn’t have to bicker with me.

I planned a cruise with 2 co-workers and I was going to take my daughter. She had never travelled before and we were all excited and looking forward to the trip.

Fast forward>>>>July 2011

It was the second day we were out to sea that Monster began calling my cell phone. Many times I was unreachable because either there was no signal or my phone was in the cabin.

When he was able to contact me, he accused me of being laid up with someone, and not being on a cruise. He was a lunatic. Cursing, screaming, yelling, and demanding I return home…..Now!

Yeah right, I was going to jump off of a cruise liner and swim the Atlantic Ocean…really?

I’d call him an ass-hole and hang up on him. He started to call our daughter and accuse her of helping me be with other men. She became upset and started to cry.

This was the eye-opener for me. I put up with enough, but when it comes to hurting my children, that’s not going to happen. I took the phone from her, and told Monster he was not going to ruin the vacation for us. I told my daughter to turn off her phone. I turned mine off too.

I told my daughter that I was going to leave Monster, and she supported me in my decision. We enjoyed the cruise and didn’t think about what we had to deal with when we returned to New Jersey.

1:02 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014



The Silent Sufferer-III


Photo credit

Photo credit

I took refuge inside my dreams when Monster would appear, after being on a binge of smoking crack. He would crash for most of the day, or night. When he was slowly trying to recall what planet he was on, he would be ravenous and dehydrated.

It was at this point during his relapse he started plummeting into the belly of hell. I often asked myself why he want to take me with him. The answer eluded me; but I knew I wasn’t going to go with him. I was living in his hell on Earth.

Inevitably Monster started going in my purse and stealing my cash. He held down a job, off and on, but his money was gone before he got it. Crack on credit is what I called it. I had to resort to  hiding money, if I wanted to keep any. He would ask, beg, and plead for money and I would say no. This made him become irate. Monster would call me a bitch, and accuse me of sleeping with his friends. If I wasn’t having sex with him, it had to be with somebody. Yes it was, but it sure as hell wasn’t with any drug addict.

He would break items; destroy things that he knew I liked. Just go berserk. I’d sleep with a serrated knife under the mattress. If his madness became violent, I wasn’t going down without a fight.

I deserved an Emmy Award. I went on with my life, as if everything was fine. I kept everything that I was going through to myself. The pit of my stomach was rotting away; little by little each day.

I started drinking…vodka!

12:25 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014

I pray your dreams be peaceful

Not nightmares of






The Silent Sufferer-II


One summer day, many years ago the Monsters best friend from childhood introduced him to what became his drug of choice, crack cocaine. I remember it was the era of beepers, as opposed to cell phones. At this time, I didn’t know what he was doing other than drinking, but I knew it was something harder because of the crazed look in his eyes. Plus there was a stale smell on him and some white gook would form in the corner of his mouth. Disgusting, looked like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth.

I recall him being away from home most of the day and night. In hindsight, it was the best thing for me to maintain my sanity. When he did stumble in, he would wake me any time of night, or early morning. He had no concept of time, not to mention any consideration for me knowing I had to get up and go to work. He would pick an argument about anything, talking fast and making no sense whatsoever.

At this point, I started to despise him. I didn’t know who he was; but could clearly see what he had become. I would think about killing him in his sleep, or hoping he would overdose or just get ran over by a big rig. OMG, Lord help me! I don’t want to go to prison. I don’t want to wish these terrible things on him. But I did.

This only progressed. About 2 years of Monster spiraling out of control, he decided he was going to get help. Thank God, I thought because I couldn’t fix him, and I was going under, just going on with my daily routine. Somebody had to do it.

I had excellent health benefits, and he went to one of the best rehabilitation facilities in the United States.

I stayed with his grandmother when he was gone, because at this point, all types of derelicts were knocking on the door, all hours of night. They were the scum of the earth.

Anyway….shortly after he returned home, we moved. New location, different surroundings, tools to keep clean.

Yeah right!

The monster came back, with a vengeance!

See you all soon.


Vera Robinson © 2014

Concrete Eyelids


He awakes daily with concrete

Photo credit

Photo credit


Heavily weighed down by


From his addictions from the day


Night before, not knowing


Its day or night; but


For alcohol and hungry for


A monster deteriorating


A circle of


6:28 PM

Vera Jackson © 2014

Difficult Words


White powder

Turned to rock

Your love of



Infinitive numbers

Until broke


Of the mind’s eyes

Attempted suicide


Endless time

Sudden death

Nothing is next

You’ve reached the

End of the


9:42 PM

Vera Jackson © 2013

Angel On Earth

1 Comment

Angel 013

Angel 013 (Photo credit: Juliett-Foxtrott)

I know Angels live, and walk amidst the Earth. I was rescued by one, August 4, 2011. Allow me to give you some insight to my story. Please bear with me. I am just able to bring myself to write, what transpired leading up to that date.

I was in a dysfunctional marriage for seven years. My spouse was an addict. Crack cocaine was his drug of choice. He was mentally abusive, controlling, and demanding. There was always drama, guess what? It was always my fault. I didn’t know I had so much power. It seems he would explode over the least, little thing said. The mood swings occurred when he was desperate for a “hit.” Of course there was financial problems. I was the only one working, and paying the household bills. No cash could be kept. He would steal it, to support his habit. He started accusing me of having affairs with several of his crack buddies. WOW. At this point, I knew his cognitive ability was severely damaged.

He reached a breaking point, where he was no longer in denial. He was admitted to in-patient  rehabilitation.  One of the best in the country. I had a good job, with excellent health benefits. Thank God. Upon his return home, he stayed clean for a brief time. He had acquired the tools he needed to succeed. Nevertheless, he relapsed, and returned to the circle addicts. I hated the monster he had become. I hated his friend-a-mies.

Your probably asking yourself…why did I stay and endure all of this. The reason is, I did love him. I was praying he could get his life on the right track. I was willing to emotionally support his effort.

Moving forward>>>> July 31, 2011, I took my daughter on her first cruise. We traveled with two of my co-workers. A girls getaway. My spouse started calling ($$$ sea cellular $$$) accusing me of not being on the cruise, and laying up with…his crack buddy. I hung up on him, turned my cellular device off. Made a decision, not to return to our home.

We returned home August 2, 2011. I stayed with my daughter, for a couple of days. August 4, 2011, I called a friend. She had retired and relocated. She came to get me. I literally left with the clothes on my back. I lived with her for six weeks, until I was able to get my place. I don’t feel I left everything behind. It was all material things. I gained my freedom, peace of mind and I am content. It was a major adjustment. I am still adjusting, but overall; life is wonderful. I have been Blessed!

It should be noted, I had submitted my retirement paperwork. All I needed to do was change the date.

My friend rescued me, she is my Angel!!!!

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