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I took refuge inside my dreams when Monster would appear, after being on a binge of smoking crack. He would crash for most of the day, or night. When he was slowly trying to recall what planet he was on, he would be ravenous and dehydrated.
It was at this point during his relapse he started plummeting into the belly of hell. I often asked myself why he want to take me with him. The answer eluded me; but I knew I wasn’t going to go with him. I was living in his hell on Earth.
Inevitably Monster started going in my purse and stealing my cash. He held down a job, off and on, but his money was gone before he got it. Crack on credit is what I called it. I had to resort to hiding money, if I wanted to keep any. He would ask, beg, and plead for money and I would say no. This made him become irate. Monster would call me a bitch, and accuse me of sleeping with his friends. If I wasn’t having sex with him, it had to be with somebody. Yes it was, but it sure as hell wasn’t with any drug addict.
He would break items; destroy things that he knew I liked. Just go berserk. I’d sleep with a serrated knife under the mattress. If his madness became violent, I wasn’t going down without a fight.
I deserved an Emmy Award. I went on with my life, as if everything was fine. I kept everything that I was going through to myself. The pit of my stomach was rotting away; little by little each day.
I started drinking…vodka!
12:25 PM
Vera Robinson © 2014
I pray your dreams be peaceful
Not nightmares of
…Reality…
Jul 17, 2014 @ 19:38:54
Not a happy place at all Vera. It is amazing what we put up with in life and marriage to keep up appearances. What do we owe the people who make us suffer? Why do we stay when our mind is screaming, get out? I know from personal experience that when we don’t get out we find solace with someone else. It doesn’t help the situation at home but it sure as hell makes you feel better for awhile. I think there is this feeling that one day it will get better and the person we married will reappear again. It’s sad that the person we love becomes a raving stranger then turns us into what they’ve become.
Cheers
Laurie.
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Jul 17, 2014 @ 21:27:25
Laurie I agree with everything you said. I stayed as long as I did, because I foolishly thought I could help him get clean. If professional rehabilitation counseling and doctors couldn’t do it; maybe he would open his eyes and realize his marriage was in serious trouble. It was so easy to get start becoming a user myself. Maybe that was what he ultimately wished for. If that happened, then he would have most likely put me on the street as a prostitute. Who knows. I thank God every day that I got out when I did. It’s different for me to write The Silent Sufferer stories, but it’s mandatory. I found the strength, and have a voice. I will never be silent, and not talk about what is going on with me. Blessings!
Vera 🙂
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Jul 18, 2014 @ 00:33:42
I think it’s why so many couples end up being addicts together, it’s just so easy to give up. I’m very glad that you got out and avoided a life on a one way street Vera. Getting it out and down on paper will be cleansing for you. Looking forward to next week’s instalment.
Cheers
Laurie.
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 16:56:33
Oct 27, 2014 @ 01:00:55
Dear Vera,
I so relate to your story how i lived it myself in my marriage. But to only realize i saw my mother live it but in another way. To only realizing we so do what our parents do. Thinking and hoping we would never repeat the cycle. How could one lose our self and live a life like we did for years to be wasted. I so look at it as a learning experience in my life. And when i do look back i make it as a positive and not a negative thought. I’m thankful to have gone thur the situation and have moved on to be a stronger wiser person.
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Oct 27, 2014 @ 11:50:19
Thank you so much. It’s true that children tend to repeat a cycle. My mother endured years of mental and physical abuse with an alcoholic. I am very strong, and have learned a hard lesson! Thank you for taking the time to read my story and comment. I’m happy that you have moved in a positive direction! 🙂 Blessings!
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