The Silent Sufferer-IV

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When I would get home from work, mentally drained and exhausted, I would drink vodka to numb my brain. This was my way of dealing with the dysfunction in my life behind closed doors. It didn’t help, it only made things worst. Nevertheless, it eased the pain and I could be a little more tolerant. I suppose you could classify me as a functioning alcoholic.

Life with Monster was an endless loop of misery for me. Years flashed before my eyes, and I was still in the same predicament.

By this time Monster had been in and out of rehabilitation facilities several times. He would stay clean, attend meetings, and hold down a job for at least 6 months, and relapse.

I would take vacation and escape to the Caribbean, once a year with a female co-worker.

Monster never had an issue with me travelling without him. This left him to do as he pleased; which he did anyway, but he didn’t have to bicker with me.

I planned a cruise with 2 co-workers and I was going to take my daughter. She had never travelled before and we were all excited and looking forward to the trip.

Fast forward>>>>July 2011

It was the second day we were out to sea that Monster began calling my cell phone. Many times I was unreachable because either there was no signal or my phone was in the cabin.

When he was able to contact me, he accused me of being laid up with someone, and not being on a cruise. He was a lunatic. Cursing, screaming, yelling, and demanding I return home…..Now!

Yeah right, I was going to jump off of a cruise liner and swim the Atlantic Ocean…really?

I’d call him an ass-hole and hang up on him. He started to call our daughter and accuse her of helping me be with other men. She became upset and started to cry.

This was the eye-opener for me. I put up with enough, but when it comes to hurting my children, that’s not going to happen. I took the phone from her, and told Monster he was not going to ruin the vacation for us. I told my daughter to turn off her phone. I turned mine off too.

I told my daughter that I was going to leave Monster, and she supported me in my decision. We enjoyed the cruise and didn’t think about what we had to deal with when we returned to New Jersey.

1:02 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014

 

 

The Silent Sufferer-III

3 Comments

Photo credit andziadesign.deviantart.com

Photo credit
andziadesign.deviantart.com

I took refuge inside my dreams when Monster would appear, after being on a binge of smoking crack. He would crash for most of the day, or night. When he was slowly trying to recall what planet he was on, he would be ravenous and dehydrated.

It was at this point during his relapse he started plummeting into the belly of hell. I often asked myself why he want to take me with him. The answer eluded me; but I knew I wasn’t going to go with him. I was living in his hell on Earth.

Inevitably Monster started going in my purse and stealing my cash. He held down a job, off and on, but his money was gone before he got it. Crack on credit is what I called it. I had to resort to  hiding money, if I wanted to keep any. He would ask, beg, and plead for money and I would say no. This made him become irate. Monster would call me a bitch, and accuse me of sleeping with his friends. If I wasn’t having sex with him, it had to be with somebody. Yes it was, but it sure as hell wasn’t with any drug addict.

He would break items; destroy things that he knew I liked. Just go berserk. I’d sleep with a serrated knife under the mattress. If his madness became violent, I wasn’t going down without a fight.

I deserved an Emmy Award. I went on with my life, as if everything was fine. I kept everything that I was going through to myself. The pit of my stomach was rotting away; little by little each day.

I started drinking…vodka!

12:25 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014

I pray your dreams be peaceful

Not nightmares of

…Reality…

 

 

 

 

The Silent Sufferer-II

11 Comments

One summer day, many years ago the Monsters best friend from childhood introduced him to what became his drug of choice, crack cocaine. I remember it was the era of beepers, as opposed to cell phones. At this time, I didn’t know what he was doing other than drinking, but I knew it was something harder because of the crazed look in his eyes. Plus there was a stale smell on him and some white gook would form in the corner of his mouth. Disgusting, looked like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth.

I recall him being away from home most of the day and night. In hindsight, it was the best thing for me to maintain my sanity. When he did stumble in, he would wake me any time of night, or early morning. He had no concept of time, not to mention any consideration for me knowing I had to get up and go to work. He would pick an argument about anything, talking fast and making no sense whatsoever.

At this point, I started to despise him. I didn’t know who he was; but could clearly see what he had become. I would think about killing him in his sleep, or hoping he would overdose or just get ran over by a big rig. OMG, Lord help me! I don’t want to go to prison. I don’t want to wish these terrible things on him. But I did.

This only progressed. About 2 years of Monster spiraling out of control, he decided he was going to get help. Thank God, I thought because I couldn’t fix him, and I was going under, just going on with my daily routine. Somebody had to do it.

I had excellent health benefits, and he went to one of the best rehabilitation facilities in the United States.

I stayed with his grandmother when he was gone, because at this point, all types of derelicts were knocking on the door, all hours of night. They were the scum of the earth.

Anyway….shortly after he returned home, we moved. New location, different surroundings, tools to keep clean.

Yeah right!

The monster came back, with a vengeance!

See you all soon.

1:46

Vera Robinson © 2014

Peace

5 Comments

Quote credit  www.sparkpeople.com by Ralph W. Trine

Quote credit
http://www.sparkpeople.com by Ralph W. Trine

Peace comes to those who can

Awaken the spirit of your

…Essence…

Your being lies within the

…Soul…

Tap it and embrace yourself

…With…

Love, blessings, joys, and

…Pains…

Find peace my family

Go in peace my

…Friends…

1:30 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014

The Silent Sufferer-1

17 Comments

Credit shareinspirequotes.blogspot.com

Credit shareinspirequotes.blogspot.com

Okay, here I am 18 years old with two children, and planning a wedding. I had a nightmare a few weeks before we were married, it was a warning, unfortunately I ignored it. We were married in November 1974. I could never remember the date it was the second or the third. What woman doesn’t know the date? That would be me. I would start celebrating on the 2nd, so I wouldn’t miss it.

My ex-husband who I will call Monster was in the Army. He was stationed at Ft. Bragg, NC. So I packed up and moved to the south. I hated every moment of it. I felt as though the world had disappeared. I was a city girl. It was nothing but woods, dogs, bugs, and what the heck…snakes. Yikes!

I was often home alone with the children. He was either on base or playing some games in the field with his unit. I got depressed early in the marriage.

After several months Monster began drinking and hanging out with his friends, instead of spending time with his family. This was the beginning of mental abuse. His words were cruel, and cut my heart with his deep voice. It seemed I could never do anything right. I was a good housekeeper and mother. I couldn’t cook very well, but the kids didn’t complain.

I lived in NC for four years and returned to New Jersey. Monster served two years in the National Guard, and then turned ballistic.

I wanted to give you some background. Next week I am going to fast forward to hell.

1: 23 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014

 

The Sun Will Shine

11 Comments

Photo credit nature.desktopnexus.com

Photo credit
nature.desktopnexus.com

When the heart is

Burdened

And my body is exhausted

From

 Being hysterical last

Night

Or the night before

I

Don’t know, I know I will

Dream

The sun will shine

Tears

 Will dry, only then

With

Clarity my eyes will see

A

Rebirth in the sun

My

 Burning feet will

Walk

 The path from the

Rays

 To a new beginning

…I submit…

3:30 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014

The Silent Sufferer-Intro

40 Comments

Credit sayingandquotes.blogspot.com

Credit sayingandquotes.blogspot.com

I choose the latter!

When I created this blog my sole purpose was to write about many things, which I had never spoken to anyone. The time has come for me to begin the process.

I was the silent sufferer for many years; far too many. That person no longer exists.

Join me beginning next Thursday to travel along the path of one who survived hell, living with a drug addict!

2:30 PM

Vera Robinson © 2014

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